Sam Askew, Campus Carrier managing editor
Despair can take on a variety of forms, but for me it manifested itself most clearly in my severe and chronic depression. I have spent many sleepless nights as a depressed insomniac pondering my life and the lives of those close to me, and I struggled to define what exactly I believed about myself, others, the world, and God. It seemed to me that life had lost its color, an inevitable effect of growing up and becoming an adult, I told myself.
Yet, whenever life loses its color in one’s perception, so too does their self-confidence also cease to exist. However, what many people fail to realize is that a person like me does not hate or despise anyone because in their mind everyone is better than themselves. Others’ lives have meaning and purpose, but mine is a shadow of what it once was, and I exist only to take up space and get in everyone’s way.
This is what I believed about myself and my relationship to others and the world. I had no hope of a future and I longed to step out of existence for the betterment of everyone else whom I loved and cared for. It seemed that nothing they said could console me on this matter, for my mind had been made up, closed off to any other possible scenario.
What is the point of being alive if one lives in such despair? This was a question that troubled me, and I needed to find an answer in order to save my life. Now, I am not offering an answer to this question because my answer looks different than yours. However, what I am offering is a piece of advice: find your answer. You must find something to have hope for and believe in. You must find something you are passionate about.
For me it was philosophy and theology. Many philosophers and theologians have covered this very issue extensively. I think of Søren Kierkegaard, Albert Camus, or Jean-Paul Sartre. Of course, Camus and Sartre were atheist existentialists who found their meaning in their freedom. Meanwhile, Kierkegaard found his reply to the inherent meaninglessness of the world in his faith. He used the phrase “leap of faith” to describe this act of believing in Christianity despite the hopelessness present in reality.
For you, I can only encourage you to find something you care deeply about and immerse yourself in it. Whatever it is, faith, philosophy, a new hobby, you must find something to believe in. Living without hope and belief is constant despair, and no one deserves to live like that. Now, that is not to say that every day is rosy since I’ve found my passion. Far from it. However, I have the tools to combat my despair and it no longer has such an intense control over me. Find your answer.