Mary Harrison, Campus Carrier sports editor

I have never avoided talking about politics and religion.

Try as I might to make small talk about Harry Styles’ newest outfit or the latest celebrity news, my friendships do not run deep unless I can discuss the topics that are most important to me – and they just happen to be the ones that our society labels taboo for polite conversation.

You can imagine my delight, then, when I attended a two-week conference in May where students were encouraged – really, expected – to converse about our beliefs with people our age.

Summit Ministries taught me that, whether they realize it or not, everyone has deep-seated beliefs on political and religious topics that are informed by our personal worldviews. But in a culture that is becoming increasingly polarized, how are we supposed to discuss our beliefs both lovingly and effectively?

The answer, I learned, is by asking good questions.

First, asking questions helps you talk with someone, not at them.

We have all at least witnessed a protest encounter – or Facebook comment war – where one person, we’ll call her Jane, starts by sharing their opinion on a hot-button issue.

“I’m pro-choice because [insert statement here],” Jane might say.

Then, in response, a Facebook friend, that we’ll call Jackie, comments, “Don’t you know that killing a baby is murder? Look at this verse from [insert Bible book here].”

The real kicker is when the interaction devolves into name-calling. “You’re just a deluded misogynist,” Jane responds, and Jackie signs-off, “Well, you promote child sacrifice.”

I do not think this encounter is even worthy of being called a conversation – it’s more like a screaming match. Both parties are yelling at each other, and neither of them will change anybody’s mind. The only result will be a strained relationship and a bad social media reputation.

What if, instead, Jane and Jackie had asked each other questions about what they believed and why?

A better response from Jackie, after taking the conversation to the DMs or private setting, rather than an open argument, would be: “I understand you to say [insert summary here]. Do you believe that a fetus is a human being?”

After answering, Jane could move the conversation forward by asking, “How do you define ‘abortion’? How do you think we can help women other than terminating unplanned pregnancies?”

By asking questions, even if you have not changed the other person’s mind by the conversation’s end (which is unlikely), at least you know more about an alternative point of view. And you contributed to a productive dialogue, rather than spouting monologues created by your personal echo-chamber.

Asking questions is also the best way to have loving, effective conversations because it requires the other person, and yourself, to truly evaluate what you believe and why.

Spouting talking points, like Jane and Jackie did, is easy. But have you ever considered the logic behind those arguments?

When trying to explain your beliefs, you might discover that it does not make as much sense as you thought. Or, maybe, you do not have an explanation at all. 

One of my favorite conversations during my time at Summit was not with another student, but with an older gentleman that I and my roommate met while hiking – I’ll call him Pablo.

The school shooting in Uvalde, Texas had happened only two days prior, and since Pablo was a veteran, our conversation about guns turned toward the massacre. I asked Pablo, “When terrible things like this happen, where do you find your hope?” Pablo thought for a moment, then answered, “I don’t know.”

That was it. I didn’t press for more, and he didn’t ask me where I placed my hope. But I consider that one of my most successful conversations because it put a pebble in Pablo’s shoe – not an actual pebble, of course. 

If Pablo did have a physical pebble in his shoe, it would have eventually annoyed him so much that he would have stopped to take it out.

Similarly, when you ask someone about their beliefs, you plant a seed of thought that they must eventually come to grips with. And you do it more effectively than with a snarky political slogan – true change does not happen from the outside in but from the inside out.

Asking questions is the most effective, loving way to have difficult conversations because a person is more open-minded when not feeling forced to change their beliefs in the moment. It also helps that you are treating them with human dignity, rather than as the scum of the earth.

And the greatest benefit may be that asking questions – and listening to the answers – helps us to understand one another better!